


Hello My Old Heart

by LostInQueue



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Children, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Inner fortress, Light Angst, Memories, Promises, allowing one's self to live again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23100337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInQueue/pseuds/LostInQueue
Summary: Ben can't get out of his own head. He wants to forget so much but simply can't. He can't follow his own demand, to let go of the past and out of this inner fortress he'd built for his heart.Rey proves to him there's a way out, he'd shown it to her in all the good he'd done. Ben, her Ben, could do anything, especially with them.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18
Collections: The Perfect Date - Pink Ladies Spring Exchange





	Hello My Old Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mudheart7567](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mudheart7567/gifts).



> This is a song fic based on "Hello My Old Heart" - The Oh Hellos.
> 
> I hope you like it, Mudheart7567. That song is fantastic! Thank you for adding it to my playlist. <3

He doesn’t want to think about it again. He really doesn’t. He’d spend so many years of his life trying to protect himself, his heart, the one he locked up long ago trying to do exactly that.

“These days are special,” he heard her say once but added only another stone in the wall, a makeshift fortress similar to the one he hid his mind in. Snoke felt it. His pull to the light despite Ben’s efforts to keep the creature out. 

He thought he’d done the right things. The ones that gave him peace in moments of trial. The ones that promised him that it would be okay, just one more battle, one more takeover, one more…

And there he was thinking about it again. All his dedication to the wrong side… the…

Ben squeezed his eyelids tightly together wishing the images away. He wanted the memories wiped, to start new, to be free from the pain he’d caused, the pain that still tormented him. He felt it. Their eyes on him. His mask never protected him from  _ them _ . It never gave him a chance. He’d be faceless to them but  _ they  _ lived on, their force entities, as small as they were, trickled through his system. Tormenting him...

It wasn’t something he planned for. Training never went over the lingering pain of the souls he’d damned, only how to harness his power, to wield his pain through that blasted lightsaber he’d thrown further than his eye could see.

It left him wondering throughout the years if it would have been better to close his eyes. Would it have mattered then? Would he see them in the darkness? Could he swing away? 

“No,” he answered himself, his inner voice giving way to the obvious to speak to him instead. “There wouldn’t be a way to rid himself, not of them…” and so his agony grew. 

Even there, deep within his mind, he’d felt it, the call to the light. The one that reminded him how to breathe, how to let his heart beat again. 

Not that he thought he deserved it.

Again, he sheltered himself deeper within the walls of his fortress, deep down within his chest, this time coming across his innermost thoughts, the ones he always hid away further from his mind. 

There he watched as many faded away. Darkened mostly by time, he’d thought. He’d kept everyone out for so long, he’d always felt alone. 

Alone, yes. 

But safe? Well, he thought he was at one time. 

He wallowed still, horribly in this dank, dark, cold well of missed opportunities waiting for his last breath to come soon, not that he’d been ill or unwell, but the way his heart beat there was an indication that time had run out for him. 

Ben blinked slowly listening to himself, nearly begging for the end when he’d seen it, or rather felt her. 

Her hand covered his in a way he hadn’t seen in his dreams, not in her head, not in the memories they’ve shared since. Rey’s fingers find the dip between each of his knuckles slowly lowering until her palm laid completely over the back of his own. She’d laced her fingers between his bringing his consciousness right back to her. 

Ben’s eyes flew open to where she sat beside him.

She was there. 

Ben could hardly believe that she was and yet she lifted her eyes from where they were connected to his, asking a silent question. One of hope. One of fear. And that's when he felt it, his heart began to beat for what felt like the first time in ages. Sand and pebbles began to fall from where he’d secured those spaces, keeping his wrong doings in the shadows of his mind. The light just beyond the horizon trickled in warming him as she did, frightening the past into hiding.

It wasn’t just him though that he’d felt. Rey - she’d done the same. Protected herself for so long.... Was that what she meant by “no one really knowing her?” 

He remembers knowing this. Hearing her through their bond over their time apart, guiding him through the mazes of her mind, her own trials tempting her heart in ways he couldn't quite imagine but saw unfold in front of him - clear as day. As clearly as he’d seen her. She was right. No one knew her. Not  _ her  _ anyway. They knew stories, they knew battles, her skittish behavior, the way she’d keep quiet and to herself… they knew they could rely on her… but nothing of her. 

Ben did. He told her as much. He’d been inside her head, her life, and as damning as it could have been he’d never brought up the fact that he knew where they were, what system for fear of being blocked out. Ben couldn’t handle the feeling of being shut out. Not again. Not ever, not since his mistakes on Crait, how he felt her heart breaking before him. No, he couldn't give her that pain, not again. Not since it’d come back to burn him immediately.

Instead, Ben gave her the space she required, her thoughts making it known, and yet, she’d pull him back, just like that. When her sands fell and small stones began to crumble giving way to others that were far bigger, he’d reached out with his mind, blowing them from her open heart. 

The girl, _ his girl, _ did the same making certain to protect him in every way possible… she’d shown it so many times, especially in the lonliest of hours away from her where he breathed into the nothingness of space begging her not to leave him there alone.

“You said I wasn't alone, did you mean that back then? Or am I nothing to you now?” How foolish he’d been, longing in the all the wrong ways, just to have her there with him now when he needed her the most. 

He shuddered out a sigh then looked at her, really looked. 

They weren’t alone. 

He wasn't and it wasn't because she was there either.

His eyes scanned the space between them, landing on two snuggly children beside them only stirring slightly in their sleep. They looked… well they looked just like him. We’re they his? We’re they hers? Theirs?

Why couldn't he remember this? Could they feel him? Is that why they moved like that? Did they know his worry? Did they know his failures? Did they know...

“Come on back, Ben. No sense in letting your past bother you. It can’t now, don’t you see?” Rey spoke softly to him, her breath carrying her message on a sigh while she squeezed his hand only tighter. “They’re yours. They know… we’re bound to each other. They know you the way they know me, now,” she hummed, “Close your eyes and just listen.”

Ben’s eyelids drooped down once again, closing to as Rey had asked. His breathing slowed, his heart began to beat steadily, a rhythm he was sure wasn't his own which made him nervous.

“Shh,” Rey hushed, closing her own eyes, but never broke the bond between their hands. 

An image of them came into his mind. One of them, their interactions since they first connected, how torn she was, how hard it was to let someone in, how much she regretted being that way with him. She’d been on the offensive for so long it only came naturally. She’d shown him how alive she’d felt when they touched, when they fought together, how she hoped Ben would offer his hand and stop this once and for all. Rey begged for him to hold on even as she left with Chewie and Falcon full of porgs.

Ben could only smile at the state of disarray the little rodent birds created hearing echoes of his father cursing about their inhabitants as if he were actually there. A tear ran down his cheek at the thought of his father… what he’d done. Then Luke’s face appeared, stubborn and true, ushering a promise he couldn't process then either…”No one’s ever really gone.” 

“And neither are you, Ben,” Rey squeezed his hand once more, careful not to wake their kids. “You were never really gone. You came back for me. No one’s ever…” she sniffled, “ever going to take you away from me. Not from us. Not your memories. Not if I can help it… I’ll stand by your side as our children will. They’ll know what it is to be there for their family. They’ll know family. As true as they know us. They’ll never have to worry because you and I? We’re their bridge. The people that will be strong enough to keep them from that life. We’ll know what to look for, how to change it… You have me Ben. You’ve had me all along.”

He watches her through blurry eyes, her own tears spilling from the rims of her eyes, telling as ever, her heart pounded that much harder waiting for his response. The only one he could give had him carefully leaning over those small replicas of himself to kiss Rey deeply, his hand breaking contact with hers only momentarily, finding her waist plump and swollen with yet another youngling inside. 

“You let me live,” he whispered against her lips.

Rey grinned, promising him the same. 

“I’ll never tire of you, of this… of our future. It’s so bright, Ben. Can you feel it?”

“I can, so long as you’re by my side,” Ben returns her grin, leaning yet another kiss to her lips. 


End file.
